I’ve always believed astrology to be totally bunk, but the stars and planets recently aligned in such a way as to compel me to create the following Horoscope for Fiction Writers:
Aquarius. You are progressive-minded, original and independent, which means you will produce brilliant works of fiction that earn you next to nothing. This is really a shame, too, as you are also a humanitarian and would have used much of your wealth to help those in need, like refugees, orphans and other Aquarius authors.
Pisces. Your artistic nature and desire to escape reality make you an ideal candidate to be a novelist; however, your trustful nature and gentleness make you an ideal candidate to get completely screwed over by your agent and publisher. You despise being criticized and cannot tolerate any kind of cruelty, thus it’s probably a good idea to forget about writing and get a job as a Disney theme park character.
Aries. Your courage, confidence and determination are vital traits that will eventually land you the big book deal you’ve always dreamed of. Unfortunately, due to your severe dislike of inactivity and delays, there’s a 99-percent chance you will end up murdering at least three people at your publishing house while awaiting the release of your debut novel. The silver lining, though, is that a triple murder can do wonders for book sales, meaning you will likely end up just as wealthy as your meth kingpin cellmate.
Taurus. You are highly practical, which makes it hard for you to write about zombies, vampires, werewolves, wizards, distant worlds or anything else that appeals to readers. And though your books won’t sell, your patience and stubbornness will keep you churning out fiction until the day your spouse kills you for refusing to write a book about a zombie vampire wizard from outer space.
Gemini. Your aversion to being alone, being confined and following a routine means you have about as much chance of making it as a writer as Mel Gibson has at becoming a rabbi. However, you are highly adaptable and will soon realize your best bet at becoming an author is to date a Pisces, steal their book idea and identity, and then have them killed or sent to North Dakota.
Cancer. You have all the makings of a big-time novelist – tenacity, imagination, passion – but your dislike of strangers will cause you to occasionally spit on people at book signings. Naturally, this will make you increasingly unpopular with readers and compel you to seek Jonathan Franzen’s advice on how to deal with hate mail and death threats.
Leo. Your success as a fiction writer is almost guaranteed – not by your inherent strengths, but rather by your inherent weaknesses (arrogance, self-centeredness, stubbornness) and dislikes (being ignored, facing reality, not being treated like a king or queen). While your future is indeed bright, you will need to work hard to stifle your natural cheerfulness, a trait that could seriously jeopardize your chances of being accepted by the literary elite.
Virgo. Sorry Virgo. Due to your analytical, practical and kind nature, the only way you will succeed as a novelist is if you undergo electroshock therapy, get a lobotomy, or become possessed by fellow Virgo Stephen King. Unfortunately for you, Mr. King is legally still alive, thus you would have to wait for him to die and then hope he picks you to possess. Please note there is currently a very long waiting list.
Libra. You are cooperative, gentle and gracious, which means your only option as an author is to write children’s books. While kids and young parents will adore you, authors of adult fiction will not, so don’t be surprised when they don’t let you sit with them at writers’ conferences or when they tease you for being able to make a living off your books. Your only notable weakness is indecisiveness, thus you may very well suffer a mental breakdown while trying to choose whether to write your next book about a bunny or a kangaroo that lost its hop.
Scorpio. You are passionate, distrusting, sexual and violent. These four traits alone already rank you among the greatest writers of this or any generation despite the fact that you’ve yet to complete a book. If you can find a way to tone down your love of truth and facts, you’re a shoe-in for the short list of every major literary award in existence.
Sagittarius. Forget about being a writer. Your tendency to promise more than you can deliver and to say whatever is on your mind regardless of how it makes others feel should make you seriously consider becoming a literary agent instead. Of course, your disdain for clingy people and off-the-wall ideas could make working with authors a bit problematic, but at least you will have no problem telling them to their face how annoying and crazy they are while still assuring them you’ll find a good publisher for their ridiculous book.
Capricorn. You are a condescending know-it-all who always expects the worse, which is why I personally think we should be best friends. As for a writing career, you show real promise. Your dislike of everything means you could easily write page after page of emotionally charged content on virtually any topic, except for positive thinking. Despite your own potential, you will marry a Cancer and use his or her success and connections to pave the way to getting a huge book deal.
NOTE: There is no doubt each of the horoscope entries above is 100-percent accurate. If yours doesn’t closely describe you and your experiences up till this point in your life as an author, it’s certain your parents lied about when you were born.
