SCRAWL SPACE

GET A FREE EBOOK Full of Greg's DARKLY HUMOROUS WritingS! (Novel Excerpts, Interviews, Essays and more.) 





Cut It Out: The Controversial Opening I Removed From My Upcoming Novel

June 17, 2014
Picture
When you write a (somewhat) comic novel about suicide, you’re going to ruffle some feathers and catch some flack. Expecting not to is like walking into the Republican National Convention wearing a Bill Maher tee-shirt and expecting not to get shot. And punched. And shot again.

Now before any of you leave this blog post in disgust and decide you want to shoot and punch and shoot me, let me assure you that I understand there’s nothing funny about suicide. My soon-to-be published novel, The Exit Man, does not make light of offing oneself. It tells the tale of a man, Eli, who helps terminally ill individuals end their immense suffering and die with dignity. The humor in the book stems not from death or suffering but rather from the complicated predicaments that Eli continuously finds himself in. And from paradox. You see, Eli’s day job is that of a purveyor of party supplies.

That said, I acknowledge that the original opening (which I share below) to The Exit Man was a bit much. It did little to establish Eli as a compassionate figure. While many early reviewers of the original manuscript loved the aforementioned opening for its darkly comic and sardonic tone, a few others worried that it might make readers see my anti-hero as much more “anti” than “hero.” So, after much deliberation, I decided to scrap it from the book and replace it. (Not that the new intro isn’t dark and sardonic in its own right.)

Now, just because I decided the original intro wasn’t quite book-worthy doesn’t mean it isn’t blog-worthy. So here it is for your enjoyment, or your displeasure. Or both.  



Most people can’t execute a successful suicide to save their life. I’m not talking about folks who go at the task half-assed as a cry for help – e.g., slitting their wrists superficially and sideways or chasing a couple extra Oxycontin tablets with a couple extra vodka shots. No, I’m referring to individuals who really want out but who very unintentionally botch the process, leaving themselves technically alive and with a lot of explaining to do.

In their defense, killing yourself can be tricky business. The human body, despite its seemingly brittle nature and uber-sensitive systems, is surprisingly resilient. It wants to stick around even when the brain is ready to call it quits. Mentally and emotionally you may have had enough, but your body is hell-bent on keeping at least a handful of critical organs open for business.

The body’s innate ability to hang on and bounce back isn’t the only issue. We humans also possess a general inability to gracefully operate instruments of self-destruction while under duress. 

So the next time you hear about a failed suicide attempt, don’t instantly assume the “victim” in question didn’t try hard enough. It could very well be that they gave it their best shot but bungled it anyway.

I mean, consider the challenges and risks associated with the most common exit methods.

Wrist slitting. Blood let from arteries or veins by a razor blade often coagulates too quickly. Clots occur and keep the pulse pumping, thus ensuring that you’ll reluctantly live a long(er) life in a monitored room.

Self-inflicted gunshot. A rifle or revolver inserted into the mouth and aimed up at the brain pan tends to jerk forward when fired by an amateur, thus leaving the brain in tact but the face flayed – a vivid bisection from upper lip to forehead that makes facial reconstruction and future dating doubtful. It also greatly hinders one’s ability to do long division.

Overdose. Popping even a highly lethal dosage of pills often results in excruciating abdominal pain prior to passing out, after which involuntary regurgitation typically spoils the show. And even if it doesn’t, there’s often someone who discovers your toxic self and quickly calls in the paramedics for a successful stomach pumping.

Jumping from a bridge or building.  Unless done from an excessive height, such attempts are often unsuccessful. The 50-foot leaps and 6th floor “falls” that we often hear about are really just an invitation for full paralysis and a lifetime of liquid food.

Jumping in front of an oncoming train.  While this will do the job nine times out of ten – making it among the most fatal suicide methods – it is easily one of the messiest and most publicly invasive techniques, an ugly inkblot on the art form. Mind you, shattered bone fragments often act as dangerous shrapnel upon train impact, placing bystanders at risk of serious physical harm or, at the very least, post-traumatic stress disorder. And let’s not forget the damage that delayed trains do to the productivity of area businesses when jumpers opt to obliterate themselves during morning rush hour. 

Carbon monoxide inhalation. This method is sooo 1975. Since then, nearly all automobiles have come equipped with a modern catalytic converter, which strips about 99% of the carbon monoxide from the vehicle’s exhaust. So unless you have a full day or two to sit around in a small, sealed garage with the motor running or can get your hands on a vintage Chevy or Dodge, forget about exiting John Kennedy Toole style. Keep in mind also that carbon monoxide poisoning is by far the least green method of suicide, so if you fail in your attempt, you not only will likely be institutionalized, you will have to endure the scorn of all your friends who recycle and drive a Prius.    

Hanging. What are you, in prison? Living in a pre-industrial society? You can do better than this. I mean, I can see if you desperately need out and all you have at your disposal is some rope or fabric and a chair or tree. Otherwise, seriously rethink this. First of all, proper noose-making is a painstaking process. Secondly, the success rate for hanging isn’t high. Even when it does work, it’s not pretty – death often comes in the form of slow, painful strangulation rather than a quick cut of the cord. 

Intentional car crash. Please. Today’s airbags are far too reliable. Besides, this method is really in poor taste. I mean, what did the innocent people in the oncoming car ever do to you? Even if your plan involves no other vehicle, why would you take out your own despondence on a majestic oak tree, or on a tax-payer funded overpass exhibiting artful graffiti that gives your suburb at least some semblance of a soul?  

Drowning. You are not a poet and you never will be. So just stop it right now.

I do apologize if my attitude toward self-annihilation seems a tad cavalier. Please do not assume me a heartless bastard for exhibiting such callous levity. Let me assure you, I do not take suicide lightly.

After all, it’s how I make my living.


For the handful of you who made it to the end of this post and don’t need to lie down immediately, you can check out the new opening to THE EXIT MAN by clicking here.

And if you haven’t already joined my mailing list, do so now to receive the entire first chapter of THE EXIT MAN
.


ON HIS BEST DAYS, ZERO SLADE IS THE WORST MAN YOU CAN IMAGINE. HE HAS TO BE. IT'S THE ONLY WAY TO SAVE THE LOST GIRLS.

In Wolves' Clothing is NOW AVAILABLE!

TAKE A LOOK

Back to blog

Author Website Design