Five Items Every Novelist Needs
(to stay alive, sane and out of prison)
July 26, 2017
Most writer folk already know what’s needed to succeed as a novelist: Lots of practice and a blood relative who works for Penguin Random House.
Since only one in 1,379,252 writers ever succeed as novelists, it’s more practical to focus on how to survive as one. Too many aspiring scribes get so caught up in the idea of literary fame and fortune, they overlook something almost as important: How to keep the madness of the writing life from destroying them, their families, and innocent bystanders.
Following are five items that will help most writers stay alive, somewhat sane, and out of prison. The items listed are based on my years of experience as a novelist who has yet to die, succumb to madness, or be incarcerated.
1) Silicone earplugs. Your cat purring. Your child laughing. Your spouse/significant other saying they love you. These are just a few of the annoying sounds that can ruin a writing session and drive you to commit a violent crime. There are many more – each interfering with your ability to create truly dynamic and compelling fiction nobody will buy. Fortunately, there’s a simple and inexpensive solution: Silicone earplugs. They mold right into your earholes and block out the noise of loved ones, thus enabling you to give the imaginary people in your life the attention they deserve.
Even if you’re fortunate enough to be all alone in this world, you’re still going to need silicone earplugs while writing. There’s no better way to mute neighbors and their lawnmowers and parties and happiness. Or to keep your smoke alarm from pulling you out of your story when you forget about the single-serving frozen lasagna in the toaster oven.
2) A personal driver. Ideally, as a novelist, you should never leave the house other than to take an occasional quiet walk in the woods to contemplate your next novel or suicide attempt. Sometimes, however, things happen in life that require you to get into a motor vehicle. Things like funerals and day jobs. This is fine, so long as you aren’t operating the motor vehicle. You have far too many voices and stories inside your head to be trusted behind the wheel of even a go-kart, which is why you need a personal driver. Granted, the earnings of the average writer (even those with day jobs) make it next to impossible to afford a personal driver, but you know what's really impossible: Finishing your novel after accidentally driving off a cliff while thinking about your novel.
So whether you need to ask a rich family member for an early inheritance or sell drugs or steal from a rich family member who rejected your early inheritance idea, make the personal driver thing happen. And don’t hire just any schmoe with a driver’s license. You’ll want an experienced and reliable professional, or at least someone who has driven for Uber.
3) A punching bag. To be clear, I’m talking about a literal punching bag here, not someone you verbally abuse when frustrated. That said, the latter is still good to have around if you’re trying to be a novelist.
Pulverizing a giant bag of sand is the best and safest way to release the self-doubt and hostility that arises when your writing isn’t going well or when rejections notifications are flowing in or when your book isn’t selling. In other words, whenever you’re awake. Sure, punching a hole in (or putting your head through) a wall provides more immediate gratification, but it carries a higher risk of injury. Plus it will require you to do extra repair work when it comes time to sell your house and move into an apartment with three other struggling writers after your spouse leaves you for being so broke and hostile.
I recommend having one punching bag in your writing office, and another one in your bedroom. You’ll find the second bag comes in handy every night, when your characters wake you up to bitch and moan about their lack of development and all the holes in the plot.
4) Throat spray. If you’re a serious writer, then you likely spend most of your non-writing and non-punching time screaming. At blank pages. At full pages. At characters and family members and pets. At the top of your lungs. All this screaming, while essential, is murder on your larynx. Therefore it’s critical to keep a container of throat spray by your laptop and punching bag(s). And not just some off-brand spray – you’re going to need the same kind that death-metal singers use after a performance or that most of the world uses after reading a Trump tweet.
Now, some novelists may be thinking, “Why should I waste money on throat spray? Nobody wants me to talk to them.” That’s true, but it’s still important to protect your voice so you can verbally berate acquaintances for not buying your latest book, explain to the doctor how you broke your wrist on a punching bag, and, most importantly, continue screaming on a daily basis while writing.
5) Warning signs. If somehow the four items mentioned above haven’t made it clear to you yet, fiction writers are sociopaths. A danger to themselves and others. This is why you and I and anyone else who makes sh*t up and expects people to buy it need to display legible warning signs at all times. I’m not going to tell you exactly what the signs should say; you’re a writer, use your own words. I do, however, have some recommendations:
(For your yard) “Beware of novelist. Windows may shatter at any time.”
(For your front door) “Solicitors will be shot in my next book. Or on the spot.”
(For any vehicle you dare to operate) “Author Driver. Stay clear and alert the police.”
(For any clothing you wear in public) “There’s a good chance I’m lost. Help me, but approach slowly.”
ON HIS BEST DAYS, ZERO SLADE IS THE WORST MAN YOU CAN IMAGINE. HE HAS TO BE. IT'S THE ONLY WAY TO SAVE THE LOST GIRLS.