The old idiom “Clothes make the man” doesn’t really apply to professional writers, most of whom spend the majority of their time holed up in their house working in their pajamas or underwear – or less.
Still and all, every writer – and aspiring writer – needs to pay attention to their wardrobe and make sure they have in their possession certain critical clothing items and accessories. Failure to do so could lead to complete and utter failure. True, most writers are already accustomed to complete and utter failure, but it’s a damn shame when it’s their wardrobe that’s to blame.
The following pieces should be found in every writer’s closet or, if you live like I do, laundry basket:
One stylish/expensive suit or dress. Despite the fact that only your parents, your partner and some guy you went to middle school with have purchased your book, you still have to dress like a best-selling, award-winning author whenever you attend writers’ conferences and other industry events. Sporting something by Calvin Klein or Donna Karan will usually be enough to get you into the good conference cocktail parties and after-parties, where you can schmooze with the big agents and publishers who, hopefully, will be shitfaced enough to believe that your book they never heard of is selling like Fifty Shades of Grey based on the duds you’re wearing.
Note: If not even your parents are buying your book, then don’t worry about spending a bunch on a suit/dress or conferences. Instead, put the money toward some writing classes, or a ghostwriter... or nursing school.
A helmet. Every year, hundreds of writers suffer moderate to severe brain trauma caused by repeatedly banging their heads against walls, desks and literary agents. Nobody can expect writers to simply stop banging their noggins against things – that’s simply unreasonable. Thus all authors and even serious bloggers should be required to wear a helmet.
To date, only one US state has a helmet law in place for writers – Alabama – but that law is more to protect writers from local citizens who shoot at people for using “them big college words.”
Moisture-wicking shirts and underwear. When you spend all day creating intriguing and compelling prose, developing captivating plots and characters, and banging your head against things, you tend to work up a sweat. Very few writers can write well when wet – only Hemingway and Bukowski managed to pull it off on occasion. (Hemingway was often damp from the sea; Bukowski from beer and vomit.) It is therefore essential that every writer own at least three shirts and three pairs of underwear made of Capilene or some similar high-tech material designed to wick moisture away from the skin. This will enable writers to stay warm and dry enough to focus sharply on why they ever even started the book they’re working on.
Note that moisture-wicking clothing helps not only with sweat but also tears. This added benefit makes such apparel even more of a must-have for women and men of letters.
A tee shirt displaying the title of your book. This piece of apparel is really only of value to writers who still leave the house on occasion. If you are a complete and utter recluse, wearing such a tee shirt isn’t going to lead to many conversations about or sales of your book – unless you are Catholic or a Mormon and thus have dozens of blood relatives and/or wives living under your roof.
Assuming you are among the 28% of writers who are not recluses, donning a shirt displaying your book title (see mine below) is a great way to get complete strangers at grocery stores, bars, restaurants, bookstores (huh?) and the unemployment line to ask about your pride and joy. Be sure to hand anyone who does ask about your book a business card containing info about where to find it… then hand them your phone or tablet with the screen already displaying the “add to cart” feature on your Amazon page.
On days when everyone you do this with refuses to buy your book (and there will be many such days), just go home, continue working on your new book, and, most importantly, put on your helmet.
Still and all, every writer – and aspiring writer – needs to pay attention to their wardrobe and make sure they have in their possession certain critical clothing items and accessories. Failure to do so could lead to complete and utter failure. True, most writers are already accustomed to complete and utter failure, but it’s a damn shame when it’s their wardrobe that’s to blame.
The following pieces should be found in every writer’s closet or, if you live like I do, laundry basket:
One stylish/expensive suit or dress. Despite the fact that only your parents, your partner and some guy you went to middle school with have purchased your book, you still have to dress like a best-selling, award-winning author whenever you attend writers’ conferences and other industry events. Sporting something by Calvin Klein or Donna Karan will usually be enough to get you into the good conference cocktail parties and after-parties, where you can schmooze with the big agents and publishers who, hopefully, will be shitfaced enough to believe that your book they never heard of is selling like Fifty Shades of Grey based on the duds you’re wearing.
Note: If not even your parents are buying your book, then don’t worry about spending a bunch on a suit/dress or conferences. Instead, put the money toward some writing classes, or a ghostwriter... or nursing school.
A helmet. Every year, hundreds of writers suffer moderate to severe brain trauma caused by repeatedly banging their heads against walls, desks and literary agents. Nobody can expect writers to simply stop banging their noggins against things – that’s simply unreasonable. Thus all authors and even serious bloggers should be required to wear a helmet.
To date, only one US state has a helmet law in place for writers – Alabama – but that law is more to protect writers from local citizens who shoot at people for using “them big college words.”
Moisture-wicking shirts and underwear. When you spend all day creating intriguing and compelling prose, developing captivating plots and characters, and banging your head against things, you tend to work up a sweat. Very few writers can write well when wet – only Hemingway and Bukowski managed to pull it off on occasion. (Hemingway was often damp from the sea; Bukowski from beer and vomit.) It is therefore essential that every writer own at least three shirts and three pairs of underwear made of Capilene or some similar high-tech material designed to wick moisture away from the skin. This will enable writers to stay warm and dry enough to focus sharply on why they ever even started the book they’re working on.
Note that moisture-wicking clothing helps not only with sweat but also tears. This added benefit makes such apparel even more of a must-have for women and men of letters.
A tee shirt displaying the title of your book. This piece of apparel is really only of value to writers who still leave the house on occasion. If you are a complete and utter recluse, wearing such a tee shirt isn’t going to lead to many conversations about or sales of your book – unless you are Catholic or a Mormon and thus have dozens of blood relatives and/or wives living under your roof.
Assuming you are among the 28% of writers who are not recluses, donning a shirt displaying your book title (see mine below) is a great way to get complete strangers at grocery stores, bars, restaurants, bookstores (huh?) and the unemployment line to ask about your pride and joy. Be sure to hand anyone who does ask about your book a business card containing info about where to find it… then hand them your phone or tablet with the screen already displaying the “add to cart” feature on your Amazon page.
On days when everyone you do this with refuses to buy your book (and there will be many such days), just go home, continue working on your new book, and, most importantly, put on your helmet.
